Divorced at 22

First, let me say, if you came here looking for “the tea” or dirty gossip, please feel free to click away. My goal in writing this is not to post blame or create drama, but simply share my story on how Christ spoke to me in the midst of a difficult season. My prayer in sharing this is that it will encourage anyone reading it or perhaps someone going through such a devastating loss such as this.

At the beginning of 2020, my spouse told me he wanted a divorce. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to explain the emotion that I felt that day.. I went through the next few weeks in denial. I didn’t want that concept to even be a thought. Tears were shed as I continuously asked myself,

"what was I doing wrong, what could I be doing different, or what could I do to change his mind?"

For a while, I thought I could save my marriage if I just became the perfect wife. Bringing home food every night, making sure the house was always clean, stopping the baby from crying while he’s sleeping, spending thousands of dollar on a brand new truck for him. I thought if I just did enough and showed him my love through both words and actions, maybe he will want to stay with me. I even went as far as to buy the Love Dare book from the movie Fireproof and did the daily challenges religiously. My heart still felt empty for so long. I was giving my all and pouring all my energy into something that I saw continuing to fail. In the moment, that can be very discouraging, but I had to remind myself that sometimes God’s plans take time. I can’t rush it.

To give you a little bit of backstory before I get too ahead of myself, I grew up in a family where I was taught divorce is not an option, and despite my recent loss, I still believe that to this day. Divorce shouldn’t be option, but in some unfortunate cases, it is very necessary.

 

Marriage is a beautiful thing.

A bond, a union, a sacred covenant that shouldn’t be broken.. 

God speaks on marriage several times throughout scripture and I would like to think that through this process, I relied on God’s word most of all. I knew that if I was going to do this right and be able to look back and have no regrets, God's way was the only way. With that being said, I wanted to share something that I learned in all this. The difference between God’s perfect will and God’s permissive will. 

God’s word clearly states that he hates divorce. What God joins together, let no man separate. (Mark 10:9) His perfect will demonstrates that when He joins two people together a man is to leave his father and mother and become one with his wife. (Genesis 2:24, Matthew 19:4-6) Becoming one with someone isn’t something that I believe God takes lightly. 

To put it plainly, God’s permissive will basically gives you a way out in certain circumstances. Those circumstances were unfortunately what I was going through. (Matthew 5:32, 1 Corinthians 7:15) And no, I am not calling him out, he himself made it public what he was doing. Despite finding that out, I still wanted to pursue saving my marriage... I read through articles and blogs just like this one about these women whose husbands had an affair and they still fought to save it and their marriage became even stronger. That was my goal. God had given me a heart of forgiveness and I was ready to fight for what I felt was worth saving, my marriage, a covenant made before the LORD. Now without giving too much detail, we did in fact go to marriage counseling. Long story short, I learned that you can’t force someone to do something that they don’t want to do. (Especially men)

Months passed as I was living alone, (with Aurora) and during that time,

I started praying for peace.

That’s when I started seeing a change. God began to reveal things to me that I hadn’t seen before. It's like the closer I grew in the Lord and the more I wanted to be like Jesus, the more it pushed him away. It's tough watching the person I'm supposed to spend the rest of my life with become so distant, almost like a stranger. Slowly my heart was becoming okay with the thought of divorce. I was receiving the peace I had been asking for, but it wasn't what I expected. I seriously thought this was from the devil. I kept saying no, this can’t be. This isn’t what God wants for my life. Even though I knew in the back of my mind that God’s word has technically given me a way out and grants permission for divorce, I still didn’t want to give up. Some would say I was pretty stubborn about wanting to make it work.

Again, after much prayer. MUCH prayer. I mean ugly snot-nosed crying my eyes out screaming to God kind of prayer. God gave me peace. COMPLETE peace. I had not a doubt in my mind, this was the direction to go in. I used to think, wow God, couldn’t you have shown me this a long time ago and save me from all this pain and heartbreak. I spent a lot of time in the “waiting period”. But I learned, the time spent in the waiting is truly where God does most of the growing. I wouldn’t be the person I am today without having to be patient and wait for answers. I don’t regret anything through this process.

My ultimate mission in sharing all of this is to teach and remind women to listen to God, and ask Him to reveal His will. Not just grant what you want to happen. Be honest with yourself and honest with the people you’re close to. Trust me, I am a full believer in not sharing too much to people when it comes to your relationship life. BUT...

Be honest with yourself.

Often, I find myself searching for a fairytale. I tell people, even my closest friends, that everything is great, when I know things are far from it. I lived in a reality where I believed I could fake it until I made it. I thought if I pretended that everything was okay for long enough that eventually it would be. Now I know life isn't always sunshine and rainbows, but I am an extremely optimistic person. My thought was always, why tell someone my relationship drama when I don't even know what's going to happen the next day? I don't want to have to go back to that person and be like, oh everything is fine now. I also always wanted people to have a positive image of my husband.

I’m thankful that God knows me better than I know myself. Truly, the Lord showed me that a lot of the things that I wanted weren't at all what I needed!!! I can't express that enough. God taught me a lot of lessons through this, and I’m grateful for His word and His perfect peace.

 Lastly, I can’t stress enough that I don’t want anyone to hear me say anything bad about my ex-husband. He is the father of our child and we are on good terms. Our plan is to successfully co-parent, and my personal goal is to grow Aurora in God’s word and teach her about the love that the Lord has for her. I pray one day she finds a godly man who loves her and cherishes her like the precious jewel she is. Yes, I have already started praying for her future spouse.

I pray that God showed you something through reading this today, and whatever you're going through, God has a plan for your life. You are not a failure. I cannot express enough how strongly the enemy will try to make you feel like you failed. It was a daily choice for me to get out of bed and still do the best that I could do. If it weren't for my relationship with Jesus, I probably wouldn't be here right now. Because of the LORD, I can look back on these miserable months and realize I still had joy in all of this. I wasn't happy. My happiness was no where to be found. But my joy remained and that's because I am the daughter of a King who loves me. God loves me way more than any man on this earth ever will.