Divorced at 22

First, let me say, if you came here looking for “the tea” or dirty gossip, please feel free to click away. My goal in writing this is not to post blame or create drama, but simply share my story on how Christ spoke to me in the midst of a difficult season. My prayer in sharing this is that it will encourage anyone reading it or perhaps someone going through such a devastating loss such as this.

At the beginning of 2020, my spouse told me he wanted a divorce. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to explain the emotion that I felt that day.. I went through the next few weeks in denial. I didn’t want that concept to even be a thought. Tears were shed as I continuously asked myself,

"what was I doing wrong, what could I be doing different, or what could I do to change his mind?"

For a while, I thought I could save my marriage if I just became the perfect wife. Bringing home food every night, making sure the house was always clean, stopping the baby from crying while he’s sleeping, spending thousands of dollar on a brand new truck for him. I thought if I just did enough and showed him my love through both words and actions, maybe he will want to stay with me. I even went as far as to buy the Love Dare book from the movie Fireproof and did the daily challenges religiously. My heart still felt empty for so long. I was giving my all and pouring all my energy into something that I saw continuing to fail. In the moment, that can be very discouraging, but I had to remind myself that sometimes God’s plans take time. I can’t rush it.

To give you a little bit of backstory before I get too ahead of myself, I grew up in a family where I was taught divorce is not an option, and despite my recent loss, I still believe that to this day. Divorce shouldn’t be option, but in some unfortunate cases, it is very necessary.

 

Marriage is a beautiful thing.

A bond, a union, a sacred covenant that shouldn’t be broken.. 

God speaks on marriage several times throughout scripture and I would like to think that through this process, I relied on God’s word most of all. I knew that if I was going to do this right and be able to look back and have no regrets, God's way was the only way. With that being said, I wanted to share something that I learned in all this. The difference between God’s perfect will and God’s permissive will. 

God’s word clearly states that he hates divorce. What God joins together, let no man separate. (Mark 10:9) His perfect will demonstrates that when He joins two people together a man is to leave his father and mother and become one with his wife. (Genesis 2:24, Matthew 19:4-6) Becoming one with someone isn’t something that I believe God takes lightly. 

To put it plainly, God’s permissive will basically gives you a way out in certain circumstances. Those circumstances were unfortunately what I was going through. (Matthew 5:32, 1 Corinthians 7:15) And no, I am not calling him out, he himself made it public what he was doing. Despite finding that out, I still wanted to pursue saving my marriage... I read through articles and blogs just like this one about these women whose husbands had an affair and they still fought to save it and their marriage became even stronger. That was my goal. God had given me a heart of forgiveness and I was ready to fight for what I felt was worth saving, my marriage, a covenant made before the LORD. Now without giving too much detail, we did in fact go to marriage counseling. Long story short, I learned that you can’t force someone to do something that they don’t want to do. (Especially men)

Months passed as I was living alone, (with Aurora) and during that time,

I started praying for peace.

That’s when I started seeing a change. God began to reveal things to me that I hadn’t seen before. It's like the closer I grew in the Lord and the more I wanted to be like Jesus, the more it pushed him away. It's tough watching the person I'm supposed to spend the rest of my life with become so distant, almost like a stranger. Slowly my heart was becoming okay with the thought of divorce. I was receiving the peace I had been asking for, but it wasn't what I expected. I seriously thought this was from the devil. I kept saying no, this can’t be. This isn’t what God wants for my life. Even though I knew in the back of my mind that God’s word has technically given me a way out and grants permission for divorce, I still didn’t want to give up. Some would say I was pretty stubborn about wanting to make it work.

Again, after much prayer. MUCH prayer. I mean ugly snot-nosed crying my eyes out screaming to God kind of prayer. God gave me peace. COMPLETE peace. I had not a doubt in my mind, this was the direction to go in. I used to think, wow God, couldn’t you have shown me this a long time ago and save me from all this pain and heartbreak. I spent a lot of time in the “waiting period”. But I learned, the time spent in the waiting is truly where God does most of the growing. I wouldn’t be the person I am today without having to be patient and wait for answers. I don’t regret anything through this process.

My ultimate mission in sharing all of this is to teach and remind women to listen to God, and ask Him to reveal His will. Not just grant what you want to happen. Be honest with yourself and honest with the people you’re close to. Trust me, I am a full believer in not sharing too much to people when it comes to your relationship life. BUT...

Be honest with yourself.

Often, I find myself searching for a fairytale. I tell people, even my closest friends, that everything is great, when I know things are far from it. I lived in a reality where I believed I could fake it until I made it. I thought if I pretended that everything was okay for long enough that eventually it would be. Now I know life isn't always sunshine and rainbows, but I am an extremely optimistic person. My thought was always, why tell someone my relationship drama when I don't even know what's going to happen the next day? I don't want to have to go back to that person and be like, oh everything is fine now. I also always wanted people to have a positive image of my husband.

I’m thankful that God knows me better than I know myself. Truly, the Lord showed me that a lot of the things that I wanted weren't at all what I needed!!! I can't express that enough. God taught me a lot of lessons through this, and I’m grateful for His word and His perfect peace.

 Lastly, I can’t stress enough that I don’t want anyone to hear me say anything bad about my ex-husband. He is the father of our child and we are on good terms. Our plan is to successfully co-parent, and my personal goal is to grow Aurora in God’s word and teach her about the love that the Lord has for her. I pray one day she finds a godly man who loves her and cherishes her like the precious jewel she is. Yes, I have already started praying for her future spouse.

I pray that God showed you something through reading this today, and whatever you're going through, God has a plan for your life. You are not a failure. I cannot express enough how strongly the enemy will try to make you feel like you failed. It was a daily choice for me to get out of bed and still do the best that I could do. If it weren't for my relationship with Jesus, I probably wouldn't be here right now. Because of the LORD, I can look back on these miserable months and realize I still had joy in all of this. I wasn't happy. My happiness was no where to be found. But my joy remained and that's because I am the daughter of a King who loves me. God loves me way more than any man on this earth ever will.

My Testimony

My journey through life began in June of 1998 in San Diego, California. Two years after I was born, my family decided to move to Olive Branch, Mississippi. In the small town of Olive Branch stands Immanuel Baptist Church. This church soon became my home, and there was never a day when I wasn’t there.

Growing up, I had great Sunday school teachers, and they all taught me the importance of knowing the Bible. I memorized John 3:16. “For God so loved the word that He gave His only begotten Son that whosoever believes in Him will not perish, but have everlasting life.” This verse stuck with me and the Lord began to work in my heart. I was taught about heaven and hell and about sin and its consequences. The thought of hell terrified me, and I knew that I didn’t want to go there. But more importantly, whether it is heaven or hell, I wanted to serve and honor Jesus for the rest of my life.

God continued to work in my heart and at the age of nine years old, I made the decision to follow Him for the rest of my life. I admitted that I am a sinner in need of a Savior. I believe that Jesus died on the cross to save me from my sins. And I confessed that Jesus is  Lord of my life. Through this amazing decision, God showed me so much!

 "I have an unexplainable joy that I wish to share with everyone!"

There are definitely some hard days when nothing goes right, but God is trustworthy and He grows my faith to be stronger in Him every day. Not everyone understands, and sometimes it’s hard to be a follower, but honestly, when I think about the smile that I put on my Saviors face by living for Him, nothing compares.

  

Conquering My Anxiety

It all began in the last couple of months in 2015. The struggle of raising my ACT score, deciding where I was going to college, and battling with my relationship drama controlled my life. I failed to notice how bad I was letting these struggles affect me and my health. On Christmas day, I started feeling overwhelmingly nauseous. I began to shake and feel really hot and then really cold. I panicked because my church’s youth winter retreat was only days away, and I wasn’t about to get sick and miss it! I told myself that it was just the 24 hour flu and that I would feel better the next day. But my mind kept playing games with me, and I began to feel as if it were something more serious. Disregarding the feeling I had, I continued packing for the trip and I was beyond ready to go. The day to leave finally arrived, and I only felt worse. I had lost all desire to consume food, and I had a headache that wouldn’t go away. Still feeling miserable, I put my suitcase in the car and forced myself to eat some breakfast on the way to church. Once I arrived at church, everyone could see that I wasn’t myself. I felt weak, queasy, and all I wanted was to be left alone to sulk in my misery. But I continued to be stubborn and insisted on going on the trip! Luckily, my mother was coming on the trip as the photographer, so we just drove separately in our own car. On the way to the mountains I couldn’t help but wonder what was wrong with me. I wonder if it was serious or not.

All I could do was worry and feel sorry for myself.

Hours later, we arrived at camp and I went straight to my room to lie down. I tried to get the sick feeling off my mind. It seemed to work a little bit, but deep down, I knew something was wrong with me, and not knowing what it was made me worry. Later that night, I began shaking and couldn’t even speak. My whole body felt like it was shutting down. I told my mom I needed to go to the hospital. About an hour later, I was in an emergency room with a doctor in front of me telling me I had acid reflux. I can’t describe what I was experiencing, but I knew it wasn’t acid reflux. I returned to camp frustrated because I felt like we had traveled all the way down the mountain to receive no help. At this point, I just tried taking it off my mind. The more I did that, the better I felt. When I woke up the next morning, I still felt miserable. My diet consisted of saltine crackers and cans of ginger ale. I could hardly move and it was devastating me not to participate in the group activities. I so badly wanted to push through the week because I wanted to hear from God.

 The theme for this retreat was, “Forgetting what lies behind. Striving for what lies ahead.” I felt like it was crucial for me to hear the messages that were going to be preached. I haven’t had any major troubles with my past and letting go of things, but I was terrified of my future. I didn’t want to strive for what was ahead because I didn’t know what it was going to look like. As I listened, God spoke to me and basically told me to stop worrying! Each night at camp, my mom would come into my room and read me Matthew 6:25-34. This passage speaks on worrying, and it really helped bring me peace. I started thinking less about my college decisions, my job opportunities, and my relationship drama. I knew that God had a plan for my life, and why waste my time worrying about it. I genuinely felt God’s presence in my life, and it felt more real than ever before. My faith grew immensely in the middle of all my pain and suffering. Little did I know, all of this was just the beginning of the journey that God was about to take me on. I may have felt completely miserable, but it felt good to know that I still wanted to give God all the glory.

 As I went back home, I still felt nauseous. I knew it wasn’t just my mind playing games with me, and I wanted to get to the bottom of it. I met with my doctor, and she asked me about all my symptoms. When I described the pain to her, she knew exactly what it was and sent me straight to the hospital to have a CT scan, done just to confirm her assessment. Sure enough, I received my results the next day, and I had not only one, but two large ovarian cysts. I didn’t have any knowledge regarding these cysts, so I just freaked out. I began surfing the internet and started researching what they were and came only to see pictures of bloody surgeries and women screaming. Anxiety flooded my thoughts, and I had so many questions.

Will I need surgery? Is it a temporary thing? How much longer will this pain last? Am I going to be able to have children?

My doctor answered all of my questions and put me on the worst pills ever. These pills made the pain 10x worse. But they were supposed to help dissolve the cysts, so I was willing to give them a try. Months passed as I was taking these pills, and it was the worst experience of my life. I remember crying myself to sleep at 3:00 a.m. on the bathroom floor because the pain was so unbearable. I’m not one for skipping church, but I missed a lot while I was on this medication. I woke up every morning wishing the pain would go away. Until one day, God revealed to me the story of Job. I’ve heard this story in the Bible before, but this time it hit me so hard. I began wondering why I was suffering and what could be the purpose of it. What if God was letting Satan put me through this pain to see if I will still follow Him? When I started thinking of it from this perspective, I definitely didn’t want Satan winning. God continued to grow my faith. I started viewing things differently, and soon, I was learning how to praise Jesus in the worst of circumstances.

 On January 1, 2016, God told me that my quiet times weren’t cutting it. If I truly wanted to be in His presence and experience His glory, I was going to have to become a prayer warrior in a way I had never thought I could be. So on the first day of the New Year, I was going to commit to pray for everyone in my youth group by name every day. This commitment impacted my life in a major way. My relationship with Jesus was growing daily, and I loved it! God was teaching me so much, and I realized that as a Christ follower, I should always want more. I should never be satisfied with where I am in my walk with Jesus. These months were filled with a lot of challenges. I was so in love with Jesus, and I didn’t want anything to get in the way of that. I had to face a lot of heart ache and rough choices that changed my life. But like always, God is a good God and calmed my worries.

The summer rolled around and I was still in pain and just wanted to know why it had not gone away by now. I knew most of the pain was coming from the pills that I was on, so I was hoping I could get off of them. On June 16, 2016, (my 18^th birthday) I went to the doctor to have an ultrasound done. I was nervous, yet excited. By this time, it had been 6 months of pain and discomfort. I was hoping that the cysts had gone away, but I knew that no matter what the results were, that God was going to be there for me. As I lay down in the room thinking, the lady came in and did the test. She told me that both of my cysts had vanished! I was extremely enthused, and I couldn’t wait to tell all of the people who had been praying for me. At this point, I asked my doctor if I could stop taking the pills. She said yes, so I began to enjoy my summer more and more. However, still felt nauseous sometimes. The pain had gone away, but I questioned why I was still feeling sick to my stomach all the time. I went back to the doctor shortly after the ultrasound for a check-up, and my doctor told me I had major anxiety issues. She asked if I wanted to be put on anti-anxiety pills, but I knew that my God is a big God and He would be able to comfort and strengthen me.

It’s now the beginning of 2017, and I am writing this story. I feel healthier than ever and my anxiety does not control my life like it once did. I finally decided where I was going to college, and I couldn’t be happier with my choice. I prayed about it, and I know that I am right where God wants me. Throughout my classes, I did struggle with stress and anxiety. Since I was homeschooled, this was my first time ever being in a real school atmosphere before. I completed my first semester with all A’s, all while maintaining my job as a manager at a restaurant. Sometimes I would feel nauseous during class, but I know that’s just Satan trying to steal my joy and make me anxious. My commitment to praying for people everyday by name became a habit. This year, I continue to grow my relationship with Christ through praying even more and getting lost in His word. I can’t live my life worrying about my future or about my health. I still think about the distant future and what it will look like, but I’m done worrying about it. When I start feeling nauseous, I’ve learned to just start praying and to stay in an attitude of prayer throughout my day. I thank God for the past year, and though it had a lot of downs, they were really just ups in disguise. My relationship with Jesus has drastically changed and now I’m growing closer to Him daily.

I live for Christ Jesus and He takes good care of me.